Post by betablue on Sept 23, 2009 17:25:58 GMT -5
I have been fortunate enough to meet and to speak to Cillian Murphy several times. This is not bragging or hallucination: it is a simple fact, however disturbing. Much like the fact that asteroids have struck the planet several times in the distant past, wiping out the dinosaurs and triggering global ice ages.
I have attempted to follow a simple set of rules when approaching Cillian: 1. Keep your hands in plain sight and make no sudden moves (if you want to visualize a spotted fawn at this point, please do: it helps. In person, he is quite delicate.). 2. Speak in a clear, friendly voice. 3. Smile, if doing so doesn't make you look like a grizzly about to attack (I'm borderline at this one. I may think I'm smiling; meanwhile, the people around me are reaching for the tufted-tranquilizer rifles.). 4. Stage the encounter in a place that is by legal and social definition "public." 5. Try to limit said encounters to fewer than ten per decade (in human years, that is. I'm not sure if grizzlies operate on special "bear decades.").
I have been informed, albeit indirectly, that such behavior constitutes "stalking."
While this comes as a surprise (in real life, like most grizzlies, I hold a steady, forty-five-hour-per-week job, eat people food, and drive a tiny, tiny car), I have decided to accede to the views of my Cillian peers (or pears, should they be vegan) by facing what is a serious personal problem. I am a stalker.
So what, we might (or mightn't) ask, would constitute non-stalkerish behavior when approaching the Beautiful Blue-Eyed One? The simplest answer is, of course, DON'T.
As in
1. DON'T LOOK AT.
2. DON'T PHOTOGRAPH.
3. DON'T SPEAK TO.
4. DON'T EVEN. EFFING. BREATHE. (SERIOUSLY: HOLD YOUR BREATH AND CLOSE YOUR EYES UNTIL HE PASSES BY. )
If you accidentally look upon him and/or breathe, don't worry: It won't be nearly as bad as the ending of "Raiders of the Lost Ark." There is at least a thirty-percent chance that your face will NOT melt off like cherry Jell-O (though you might want to consult a therapist or your local house of worship for recommended purification procedures following the encounter).
So how does one safely and with social acceptability approach Cillian Murphy? Maybe a few case-specific scenarios would help. I'll lead off:
1. SCENARIO ONE. Standing stark naked in the rain under his hotel window at three a.m., quite likely drunk, crying and wailing "CILLIAN, SIGN MY BOOOOOBS!!!"
This presupposes two (to three) things: 1. a waterproof Sharpie, and 2. boobs big enough to sign. (The first I could do. The second would present a problem.)
(This presupposes also that neither Cillian nor his long-time assistant is a certified marksman. Having witnessed Cillian's shooting skills in "Perrier's Bounty" [and granting the fact that even an uncertified marksman intoxicated to the point of blindness would run a level chance of hitting me in the most treacly dark, either on foot or from the back of a galloping horse], I have little fear on this count.)
ENCOUNTER RATING: (On a scale of one to ten)
Difficulty: 6. Wet boob may be hard to sign (or, in the dark, to find).
Social acceptability: 8. Remember: unlike me, you're not stalking. You're IN LOVE.
Potential for success: 4. Let's face it: Drunk. Stark naked. In the dark. If you've picked Courtney Love's hotel window by mistake, don't come crying to me.
*****
Anyone else have tips? Anyone--? C'mon, don't be shy...!
I have attempted to follow a simple set of rules when approaching Cillian: 1. Keep your hands in plain sight and make no sudden moves (if you want to visualize a spotted fawn at this point, please do: it helps. In person, he is quite delicate.). 2. Speak in a clear, friendly voice. 3. Smile, if doing so doesn't make you look like a grizzly about to attack (I'm borderline at this one. I may think I'm smiling; meanwhile, the people around me are reaching for the tufted-tranquilizer rifles.). 4. Stage the encounter in a place that is by legal and social definition "public." 5. Try to limit said encounters to fewer than ten per decade (in human years, that is. I'm not sure if grizzlies operate on special "bear decades.").
I have been informed, albeit indirectly, that such behavior constitutes "stalking."
While this comes as a surprise (in real life, like most grizzlies, I hold a steady, forty-five-hour-per-week job, eat people food, and drive a tiny, tiny car), I have decided to accede to the views of my Cillian peers (or pears, should they be vegan) by facing what is a serious personal problem. I am a stalker.
So what, we might (or mightn't) ask, would constitute non-stalkerish behavior when approaching the Beautiful Blue-Eyed One? The simplest answer is, of course, DON'T.
As in
1. DON'T LOOK AT.
2. DON'T PHOTOGRAPH.
3. DON'T SPEAK TO.
4. DON'T EVEN. EFFING. BREATHE. (SERIOUSLY: HOLD YOUR BREATH AND CLOSE YOUR EYES UNTIL HE PASSES BY. )
If you accidentally look upon him and/or breathe, don't worry: It won't be nearly as bad as the ending of "Raiders of the Lost Ark." There is at least a thirty-percent chance that your face will NOT melt off like cherry Jell-O (though you might want to consult a therapist or your local house of worship for recommended purification procedures following the encounter).
So how does one safely and with social acceptability approach Cillian Murphy? Maybe a few case-specific scenarios would help. I'll lead off:
1. SCENARIO ONE. Standing stark naked in the rain under his hotel window at three a.m., quite likely drunk, crying and wailing "CILLIAN, SIGN MY BOOOOOBS!!!"
This presupposes two (to three) things: 1. a waterproof Sharpie, and 2. boobs big enough to sign. (The first I could do. The second would present a problem.)
(This presupposes also that neither Cillian nor his long-time assistant is a certified marksman. Having witnessed Cillian's shooting skills in "Perrier's Bounty" [and granting the fact that even an uncertified marksman intoxicated to the point of blindness would run a level chance of hitting me in the most treacly dark, either on foot or from the back of a galloping horse], I have little fear on this count.)
ENCOUNTER RATING: (On a scale of one to ten)
Difficulty: 6. Wet boob may be hard to sign (or, in the dark, to find).
Social acceptability: 8. Remember: unlike me, you're not stalking. You're IN LOVE.
Potential for success: 4. Let's face it: Drunk. Stark naked. In the dark. If you've picked Courtney Love's hotel window by mistake, don't come crying to me.
*****
Anyone else have tips? Anyone--? C'mon, don't be shy...!
